Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Not What You Think

I lay face down on my white sheets, my faux-fur blanket wrapped around my body. It’s hot outside and I feel beads of sweat trickle from the small of my back. My legs spread to the cooler parts of the bed sheets as I keep my eyes closed and my mind becomes restless. I pour over this new endeavor, this new effort to blog my life away, to write and express and share and create and inspire. My perfectionist nature has gotten the best of me yet again. 

What is a blog, anyway? A public broadcast, a ranting place, an online journal of sorts?

In my effort to keep my words impeccable, I lose the oddities and the spontaneity of all life really is. I treat my blog as an operating room, meticulously dipping each word in sanitizer, scrubbing away the grime from my thoughts to release a product clean enough for a baby to consume. Please. My heart is not this pure and my thoughts not that clean. To express myself with raw intent, with the controversial, experimental, even questionable personality seeping through – that’s what this should be. I am not perfect. And there is much, much beauty in all my imperfections.

I suppose I’m just a bit tired of wanting to fit a mold, a persona that appeals to all, that is pleasing to all. I love all and I sure want all to love me but fuck that. Life does not work that way. To suppress parts of my being goes against everything I stand for. So I have decided to keep this raw and inexorable as was my original intent. To talk about the things that sicken me, that thrill me, that inspire me. This blog will not be so squeaky clean and I will not be apologetic.

My writing style has never been clean cut yet online I have made my best effort to keep it all neatly sealed, away from words of criticism. But what is criticism but a bold opinion? I have those too. So, bring it on. I’m ready. I’m ready to just be free and irie, to just be me. Anyone who knows me well knows my alternative style of thinking. No more hiding out. 

This is me, exposed and I have a lot to say.

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